Toxic Relationships-Am I In One?

I’ll say this before I even start writing…you already know the answer. It’s difficult hearing (or reading) it though isn’t it? It’s almost like a dreaded validation for what you know in your heart, mind, soul, and body is happening. And it makes you feel ill. That’s why you search for answers. Hoping that you’ll find something to take away this feeling of ill. Of heartache, of heavy, loneliness, walking on eggshells, anxiety, depression. Or perhaps you’re looking for one more piece of evidence or validation to help you know you’re making the right choice to leave. Or maybe this will help you just simply get through another day. Whatever the case may be know that you are NOT alone. So let’s get to it.

Toxic Relationships-What do They Look Like?

• Lies
• Manipulation
• Cheating
• Isolating you from supportive friends and family
• Subtle Put Downs (Even comparing you to yourself when you first started dating)
• Preventing you from working or helping you with the children so you can work or go to school if you want to
• Refusing you access to money if you have not shown to have a money spending problem
• Putting you down in public
• Threating to leave you places
• Telling you your home, clothes, car, food (anything) is not yours if you do not make as much money as they do or work outside of the home
• Unrealistic expectations
• Having unpredictable mood swings they blame you for
• Complaining about your support of your children that are not biologically theirs
• Yelling at your children that are not biologically theirs or threatening them in any way to include threatening to withhold anything from them for seemingly nothing at all without an agreement from you for the purpose of a needed consequence
• Threating to harm or harming your pets
• Drinking alcohol/using substances and then having the expectation that you continue to care for the children while they are unable to
• Blaming you for their substance use
• Expecting you to bear the financial responsibility of the home when this was not your agreement
• Stonewalling you (when you try to talk to them about something, they leave, refuse to discuss relationship issues)
• They stalk you, either cyber stalking through your devices or by having other people watch you and “report” back to them or you are aware they are stalking you
• They sabotage your efforts to take care of yourself, whatever this means for you, exercise, a bath, spending time with friends, doing your hair, eating healthy…
• They call you names
• They make fun of you, your ideas, your intellect
• They find areas of you that you are insecure about (we all have them) and use that to make you feel even worse about yourself usually at the worst times
• They do not allow you time to attend medical appointments, make fun of you for seeking care (including mental health care) or tell you you don’t need prescribed medications
• They criticize your parenting efforts but don’t offer to help.
• They criticize your cooking, cleaning, self care, driving, the way you walk, the way you talk, your family, the way you “looked” at the waiter, I could go on…you get it
• Fill this bullet point in with anything, feel free to leave it in the comment section for others too!

Toxic Relationships follow a VERY similar pattern I have found. You meet someone. They seem like Prince or Princess Charming. They are everything you have ever looked for, say all the right things, appear to be so in love with you. It’s PERFECT!! Then as soon as you have committed your heart, mind, (bank account, house, social status), soul and body…watch out! Everything on that list above starts creeping in. It can happen all the sudden like you were hit by a Mac truck or it can creep in and just like the Frog in the Frying Pan the water starts warming slowly and before you know it, it’s boiling in here.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

So I get asked a lot. What do I do now? I have kids, they have convinced me to quit my job. I’m walking on eggshells constantly. I feel trapped. I can’t even talk to them, they get so angry if I even try to say a word. It’s been like this for 25 years now. I have no one anymore. I’m going to first say you are the only one who knows your situation. You are the one who knows your life best. I will never tell anyone they have to do something. I am only going to make some suggestions. You can think about them.

• If you are able, start a bank account for yourself.
• Begin to reach out to others, maybe someone you haven’t in awhile, an old friend, previous coworker you got along well with. Join a group, club, church, reading club, online group of people who have a similar interest as you. You might be saying at this point “I don’t even know what I’m interested in anymore because everything just revolves around them”. Yep, so here’s your next task…
• Take some time to ponder yourself, what do you like, where do you like to go? What did you like to do before you them? Begin doing these things again. A toxic selfish partner usually doesn’t care too much about you or your interests and you will get lost in the relationship so it will be up to you to care for yourself and tend to these interests.
• Consider counseling for yourself
• Be careful about the idea of couples counseling, a manipulative partner is very charming and can charm an unsuspecting therapist as well and leave you feeling even worse. I am not discouraging couples counseling, just please be ware of this dynamic, not all therapists are experienced in this.
• Begin writing your thoughts down in a journal, ripping it up and throwing it away if you need to, but writing is very powerful.
• EXERCISE
• Eat as healthy as possible. Foods help us manage our moods and you need as much of a boost as possible.
• Watch something entertaining and funny, laugh. Release those feel good chemicals.
• Literally, physically hug yourself, Hug your children or children in your care if you have them.
• Take time to bathe, do your hair. You are beautiful, handsome, despite the distorted message they send you.
• If you are considering leaving your partner, do you need a safety plan for when you do? Having a “go bag” packed with important items such as birth certificates, social security cards, marriage license, important documents, pictures, change of clothes. Where do you plan to go? Do you have some cash? Extra set of car keys? Are you able to keep your cell phone turned on? I’ll talk more about this in a future blog.
• The National DV Hotline Number is 1-800-799-7233 and can give you information on shelters in your area if need be as well. There are shelters for men as well.

I will revisit this more in future blogs. I just wanted to get started. Please leave comments on what you would like for me to cover in future writings.

For more on relationships, click here.

-Holly