Boundaries in relationships, Why do we need them?

Why do we need boundaries in relationships? And how do we know if they are boundaries or controlling tactics?

So, in a forum recently I saw someone ask the question that was something like this, “How do I handle my girlfriend’s guy friend being more important than me?” My initial thought when reading this was simply “You don’t, tell her to get rid of the guy, why is this even a question?” But then my therapist brain kicks in and I realize that boundaries may not have been clearly defined in the relationship. And if they had maybe this issue needs revisited.

So when I say “boundary in the relationship” what does that mean? Marriage.com defines 6 key boundaries in relationships…Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Intellectual, Financial, and Time. and describes why it is essential for a healthy relationship to have boundaries and that they be revisited with open communication on a regular basis for the health of both partners. It defines the expectations we have of each other in the relationship. Sort of like our agreed on manual.

I have described boundaries in a relationship as a way to protect your relationship with a bubble around the two of you that the both of you have agreed should be there. You can morph and change it over time as needed, so long as the both of you agree to it as the both of you live inside of it. Only the two of you can decide who gets to come and out. And if one decides on a change and the other hasn’t agreed or isn’t aware there will inevitably be trouble in your bubble.

So what if you’re dating or married to someone who does not agree that a boundary needs adjusting, as in the example above where there is a friend who is intruding in the bubble?

First, make sure your partner is aware you want the boundary adjusted. Communication is always key. Let them know you are feeling uncomfortable, even if previously you thought it would be ok. Remember, it is OK to change your mind. People who want you to back down from voicing your concerns may use gaslighting techniques including name calling, subtle put downs like telling you you have no right to disagree with them because you previously told them it would be fine, or not so subtle put downs like name calling. These are all not ok. You are allowed to say to yourself at a later time what you thought would work doesn’t, or what was working no longer does and now needs to be revisited.

Next, if they are willing to compromise and make adjustments in a respectful manner (best case scenario) then fantastic!! However this is not always the case. So what then? What if they call you controlling or unfair or claim you are being hurtful to them by not allowing them to have friends or spend money (you don’t have) or support them by buying them alcohol (even though it’s clear they have an alcohol problem). Then you have identified a problem in the relationship.

Depending on how committed you are to the relationship (or not), you and only you can decide if this is deal breaking behavior or if you want to continue working on this issue. Should you choose to continue working on this and your partner is willing to work with you you can use the problem solving worksheet with your identified problem listed at the top, brainstorm possible solutions and give them a try. If you are committed to the relationship and your partner is not willing to have further discussion about the issue with you this will be difficult and I would encourage you to dig deep for self care and support of others depending on what the nature of the boundary violation is.

Is wanting boundaries controlling?

Good question! I’m glad you asked! The answer is in a mutually respectful, open relationship boundaries should be discussed early in the relationship and ongoing. Both partners will work together to guard the relationship and come to agreements on what boundaries they want for their relationship. When there are disagreements, they will talk about them in a respectful manner and come to a compromise on how to manage the issue.

When “boundaries” is being interchanged for “control” there is not discussion between the partners to find compromise. It is not about respecting and loving your partner and the relationship. Control is a one sided dynamic, not two. When one person is telling the other what will and won’t be, that’s control, not setting boundaries. Setting boundaries in a relationship happens with both partners, in mutual agreement.

I hope you found this information helpful in understanding boundaries, why we need them, and what to do when they aren’t agreed on in a relationship. Click here to read more on relationships.

-Heidi