What is the Key to a Healthy Relationship?

Chances are that at some point in your life you’ll be in a relationship. I can only assume you would like for it to be a pleasant and positive experience (unless you are a sociopath or a narcissist, but I’m going to save that for another post). It would be great if relationships came with a manual, right? “Say this during the first date to guarantee a second”. “Say I love you at this exact moment, under these stars for an assured, ‘I love you’ in return and BAM! Happily Ever After follows with little to no effort”. Yes! No.

Our lives are busy. Work, School, Commutes, Juggling kids, Coworkers, Family expectations, Health issues anyone? So when we decide to step out into the dating world and we meet someone we want something to go smoothly, easy dare we say, right? There is no easy button per say. But there are some key ideas to a healthy relationships. What are they? What will make something in this crazy life just a bit easier? I’m going to spell out three basic ideas to a healthy relationship…

Honesty, Communication, Commitment

Honesty

Honesty truly is the foundation of any relationship. I know this is so cliché and we hear this everywhere, but let me ask you a question to think on…Can you imagine if you didn’t trust your bank? There was a 50/50 chance that your paycheck might be spent by the banker this Friday or might be left there for you to make your house payment with and buy some groceries this weekend. Would you stay with that bank? Of course not! You’d jump ship after the very first time you’d discovered the banker had spent your money with no remorse and no plans to make it right with your account, right? Well…once trust is broken in a relationship it is so very hard to rebuild it. And when it comes to a personal, intimate relationship trust is a very fragile thing that needs to be treated with intensive care because once it is broken it can affect the intimacy in the relationship on many levels to the point of being irreparable. See some tips here if you would like to work on rebuilding trust in your relationship.

Communication

So, why do we always hear we need to communicate? It’s so obvious right? Blah, blah, blah. We get it, talk. If only it were so easy. In a relationship talk means more than just talk. It means, sharing your emotions, your plans, your calendar for the day, your dreams, your hurts, problem solving together in ways to find a solution all in ways that are respectful towards each other, non judgmental, open, honest, sincere…now this is getting more complicated than just talk! Let’s not forget communication also involves body language and facial expressions! How do you communicate without saying a word to your partner? This may be even more important as it can “set the tone” for everything you will actually say and how it will be perceived by the person you are speaking too. So how can you get it right when something that we think should be so simple actually has many layers? And if you are not a natural communicator and not inclined to “sharing your emotions, thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and desires” with someone does that mean your relationship is doomed? The answer is no. I’m going to give you some very SIMPLE tips right here and now.

Communication Concept #1- “Channel Check”

I could literally write an entire article on this and I might…what is it? I’ll start with an example…your partner comes home and begins telling you about Susie so and so at the office. ALL about her. What she looks like, her face, what she says, about her husband, she is offensive, she belched at lunch, what she ate for lunch, she was rude to her in an office meeting, literally cannot stand this person. You are like…”tell her off, she’s awful, go to your boss, complain! File an HR report!” Your partner gets angry at you and says, “Are you even listening to me?” You are hurt and irritated because of course you were listening. You have been for the past hour to this office drama you have no part of and offered several perfect solutions right? How are you suddenly the bad guy? The answer is this…they wanted only to vent and have you listen and support them, not actually offer your solutions, which were great by the way.

My solution to you is “Channel Check” when your partner begins talking. Ask them…Do you want me to offer suggestions to this issue or just listen? Then you know what channel you are on. If they say, “Just listen, I need to vent”, you know your role at that time is simply to nod and say hmm, mmm, act shocked and give supportive feedback (“that sounds awful!” “I can’t believe she said that to you!”) at the right moments during their story. YOU WIN! You are the supportive amazing partner they have always dreamed of. If they say they need help figuring out what to do, then you will be preparing your solutions as they talk and offer them at the end. BOOM! Genius level communication.

Communication Concept #2-Problem Solving

What happens when you and your partner don’t agree on something? Do you give each other the silent treatment? Yell until one person backs down and then the loudest gets their way? Does one do sneaky things behind the other ones back because you can’t agree on how to spend money? Mmm…sounds like you have a communication issue that could use some problem solving techniques. Once you have identified there is a problem you two do not agree on…write it down. Then brainstorm TOGETHER all possible solutions…get creative here…no matter how outrageous or silly it sounds because sometimes you’ll morph a couple of ideas together. Next, choose a couple of the most reasonable ideas to try. Try the best one first and see if it works. If it does not solve the issue, try the second. The key to this technique is honesty, respect, and both parties being willing to work to improve the relationship. If one person is not on board, it is nearly impossible to problem solve. You can use this worksheet as a guide

Communication Technique #3-Conversation Starters!

This may be one of my favorites for couples who are either starting out and have that awkward silence due to anxiety or for couples who have been together forever and you just aren’t communicating anymore because why? You know what they’re thinking right? Well lack of communication leads to lack of emotional closeness which leads to lack of intimacy. Sooo…shall we just give this a try? Married couples click here for an easy list of of questions. Newbie couples click here for your list. Now what are you going to do with these lists? Take turns answering the questions! Some of the couples I have worked with actually print out the lists, cut them up, put them in a bag or bowl and draw them out one by one. You read your question, wait for them to answer, then you answer the question as well. Then your partner picks the next question. Back and forth, making sure you’re each answering every question. This is a start to better communication and better emotional closeness when you truly don’t know where to start.

Commitment

That brings us to the final concept I’m going to cover for this article on the key to a healthy relationship and that is commitment. Are the BOTH of you in this for the long haul? Do either of you threaten to leave the relationship when things get rough? (I am not talking about an abusive relationship. If that is the case, then it is appropriate to leave). There are normal exciting times in a relationship like when going on vacation, buying a home, planning for the holidays. But when things are tense or you are feeling bored in your relationship do you think of or threaten leaving it? If so, what this does is creates insecurity and difficulty with trust in the relationship. Feeling safe and secure in a relationship is key to allowing the relationship to become all that it will. But if one or both of you are not able to commit to the relationship fully that leaves you both protecting your hearts instead of your relationship. You will never feel the magic of being vulnerable and leaning on each for protection against the world because you are protecting yourself against each other for the inevitable moment when one of you decides today is the day.

So how do you fully commit to your relationship? And how do you know your partner is fully committed to you? Good question. One answer I will provide is communication, see above. Communicating fully, openly, honestly, without holding back will let the two of you know often where you stand. Work on problems regularly, see above. Ask each other often if there are any unresolved issues that need attention and make it known you are 100% in on working to resolve them. Protect your heart, mind, eyes from others and distractions. Do not engage with others at work, social media, at the gym who could potentially be a threat to your relationship, even if at first it seems totally benign…they’re just talking about their problems right? No. Place a protective shield around your relationship that others can only bounce off of. If you are struggling with any addictions, get help for them. Your partner needs to know you are fully committed to them and only them in the same way you would want them to be. Regularly search yourself and check to make sure you are living the way that if someone had you on camera 24/7 and suddenly placed it all online you could say yep! That’s me! with no shame.

There are as you can imagine several other factors that can lead to a healthy relationship, but these are a good place to start. Let me know your thoughts for future articles!

-Holly

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